For the past couple of months there has been nothing but drama in my life and most of it completely and utterly uninvited. Who wants it? Seriously? All it does is invoke a horrible level of stress and causes many sleepless nights. Other side effects include worry, guilt, over-analyses, waste of time and energy, arguements with other people and, well, general crankiness .
Let me go back a bit here and give you some background and a little introduction. I moved to NY from Ireland four years ago. I LOVE New York. So clichèd, but I truly truly do. Yes I have hate moments too, like missing a train, or being pushed or shoved by rude people, but for the most part, I LOVE it. Right now in my life, I cannot imagine living anywhere else, and that is not going to change anytime soon. well, to my knowledge right now it's not.
Living in Dublin I had many friends. I worked in a very social atmosphere and found it very easy to meet people and I tend to click with most people I meet. At the risk of sounding like I am blowing my own trumpet, but I am pretty personable and I make an effort when meeting new people. My years in Dublin were spent flitting easily between different friends, and different groups of friends. Let me break these down into categories:
- confidants - the ones who I was tight with, I could confide in, rely on and go to whenever I needed them, and this was 100% reciprocated. We had sleep overs, were drinking buddies, dinner buddies, shopping buddies, movie buddies and everything in between and more. The number of these that I had was few, but it was instant attraction and fell into place! All good.
- Co-workers - these were mainly the social crowd. Absolute bananas most of the time. Great craic and a lot of drinking, partying and general mayhem. At work whole other story, but GOOD TIMES! One or two are in the confidant catergory.
- School friends - elementary and high school and uni friends have followed me I am very happy to say. Some of these spill into the confidant category. Others I bump into here and there and now and again. There are a few from this era I could care less if I never saw again, but I think everyone has a few of those in their closets.
I miss those days. Where I had a ton of friends, none of whom ever got offended if they didn't hear from me for days. never took it personally if I had to cancel a dinner or a pint. Why can't it be like that NOW?
I could write all day on this and sub categorise them all, but, I have realised writing this, my friends are quite incestuous and a lot of them have met and intermingled over the years. Most of them get on, there are a few who don't and while this makes me quite sad, I can't control it and I stay out of it. THOSE FIVE WORDS..........
I STAY OUT OF IT.
I love a juicy piece of gossip here and there. Who doesn't? Everyone loves it now and then. It makes life interesting and can be quite funny sometimes. Other times, it can be nasty and vindictive. There is a line, and time and again people cross it. I have noticed a few people over the years, and even now who cannot help themselves and absolutely thrive on it. I like it when it's fun, or someone made a drunken jackass out of themselves or someone was caught out doing something they shouldn't, basically harmless stuff. I DO prefer it to be true too. All too often, it's chinese whispers and a load of cock and the person or people telling it have either half the story, are doing it out of vindictiveness, or as is often the case, because they have fuck all else to do. Seriously, get a fucking life.
I digress slightly here, and I realise this is kinda a roundabout way to going back to what I had started to say, about feelings, but bear with me. You need this background info. Ok, flip to today. The present, the now. I have a lot of loving, good people in my life, apart from my family, one of the most important people in my life is my boyfriend. Yes, it happened, girl met a boy and fell in love with boy. Girl tries to spend as much time with boy as possible. Which, sometimes in one week can be a lot, and in others very little. Average maybe one or two nights a week. Girl smitten with boy, still tries her best to spend time with friends, go to gym, have alone down time. Some of girls friends get annoyed with girl.
One friend takes it upon herself to lecture, at length, about how people lose friends and how important it is to have the balance. So I listened, tried to defend myself and was told to stop being so defensive? (How does THAT work?) I got quite upset and thought it to death. Seriously. It's a thing I have, over-analyses. So I made plans with same friend for that Saturday. Boy did his own thing, I had plans with my friend. So friend never calls, shows up, returns calls or even texts. Passive aggresive? Hells yea, but in a way was my fault for letting it get to me. Harsh lesson that at the end of the day, everyone suits themselves and I should too. To hell with those who roll with double standards and are bored and have issues of their own, but chose to lash out at others.
One example of the drama. There is a much more serious one that I am hesitant to post. But i made a decision last night, having talked it over with my super awesome boyfriend, that I am done. I seem to have this innate need to try to please people and I take stupid things far too personally. Hindsight is 20 20, and I seem to learn things the hard way, but I am learning as I go, and little by very little getting better as I go.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful guy in my life, wonderful, genuine friends and a great, loving family, whom I miss every day. I have a roof over my head, am able to pay bills and have a lil left over each week. I have my health, which I am working on right now. All in all, I have it pretty damn good and I need to check that and remember it. §
