Sign o' the Times

Ok further to my last posting, I am doing good. Am not floating on air and running through fields of sunflowers or anything, but, am a helluva lot better than I was a month ago. I have made HUGE progress in myself and just feel all round better, about everything. OH the latent anger about my split is still simmering and will do for a long long time to come, but, whatever. A lot of hindsight into that relationship actually makes me feel a lot better about myself and I can pride myself in that I was honest, he wasn't. And a lot of instances, and situations and day to day things that I think about with him make me feel like I was nothing more to him than a social experiment. Again, with the honesty. I was, he wasn't, his loss and his problem.

It's coming up to Christmas and this is going to be my third here, and my third without my mother. It's weird. The only was I can describe it. I don't know, it was just her favorite holiday and she always got so excited about it. BUT I am looking forward already to Xmas '10. I am goig home to watch my two munchkinheads wake and go nuts!!! So, yeah, silly season is on its way and it's going to be my first ever alcohol free. Should be interesting.

So onto the real reason I was writing today. I saw a friends blog online about her struggle with motivation to go to the gym and tackle weight issues head on. The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking to myself, "preaching to the choir sista!". I have a substantial amount of weight to lose. To hit the higher end of an acceptable BMI for me, I need to lose at least another 88 pounds. I have lost 12 in 9 weeks. Slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I have been going to the gym religiously, maybe 3-5 times per week and I have to admit, i really really enjoy it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME! I enjoy the gym, I know.

Part of the reason is that the gym I go to has a completely separate weights area and even the weights area is split in two. The free weights and the machines. So I don't need to see the grunters, which is great. Unfortunately though I DO have to see all the stupid skinny dipshits who wear next to nothing to work out and sometimes even no sports bra and wearing FULL make-up. REALLY? It's at times like these that I veer either towards, "u dumb ass stupid girl, did Daddy not hug you enough as a child?" to " oh my gosh look at the state of me, I will never be like her. Jeeeez I bet every guy in here is looking at her and look at my red face and sweat and ugh my ass is huge and my belly is huge ugh". It truly varies.

So the following is an excerpt of a letter I have written to a friend of a friend of a friend who is blogging her Weight Watchers success and journey. She recently hit a wall and has so much self doubt about herself and her body and appearance. I wrote to her as she has lost approx. 50 pounds, and she looks AMAZING!!!! Truly inspirational! WOWZERS! I can so relate to her so I had to write to her:

"I was in Ireland recently and pulled out some old photos of myself and bawled my eyes out. If only I could see back then what I do now. I wasn't HUGE or an ELEPHANT or a BLOB as I always thought. I was about right for my height and build. Because of my head space I got it stupidly into my head that "well if doesn't matter now what I eat, no one will look at me anyhow". Honestly I could punch myself for doing that. For having such little self esteem"

So there we have it. I can't even imagine myself being thinner than I am now. I try, but, I fail. Two years ago I lost 36 pounds and felt fuckin amazing and looked it too. Then my world fell apart and to be honest, it has never been the same. So that 36 pounds plus approx another 15 went back on. So YAAAAY fun for vicious circles.

I don't want to hear the Christina Aguilera song or anything like it. I'll puke. But, it IS a head thing. Mind over matter. I had an absolute HOT piece of ass flirt with me the other night in the gym and though he does with EVERYONE, well, it has boosted my confidence. I WANT to exercise more and eat healthier. I can actually start to feel my clothes feel looser. Can't be bad right?

Hearing the other day how good my hair looks and from another person how good I look? well, all help. I need to build my confidence back up. It took me so long to have it previously and, there's a huge element of fear. Fear. Fear is a bitch. Godamnit to hell. But fear is much better than never taking the chance at all..............Living in NY is tough. Living in NY in 2010 is awful by times. Ralph Lauren really pissed me off a few weeks back with that AWFUL article about firing a model because they couldn't count all of her ribs? She wasn't skinny enough? Hs inspired me never to buy Ralph Lauren again. Ever. Shame on them. Shame on the people who look so judgementally at me on the street or subway or bus. Do they think I WANT to be overweight and unhealthy? Of course the whole element of "if you REALLY want it, u can make it happen" comes into it. But the circle I have been stuck in is the following:

I lose some weight and have a great few days, hit the gym and feel fucking PUKKA!

I then have a bad bad day, hit the Ben & Jerrys or other chocolate heavenly things and spend the next few days in the mind set of, well, hung for a sheep as a lamb.

As I have said, SLOWLY but I am getting there. And when I do, people better be prepared to be WOWED!

BTW I implore you to look up Filippa Hamilton who is 5'10 and weighs 120 pounds???? Is this what our society has turned into? A competitive field where it's survival of the skinniest? The above is the model in question and at the center of the furore!

Oh and another thing, on my way TO and FROM the gym I walk past a Crumbs store. You heard me, CRUMBS! And I walk past! :)

Baby steps...........

Yikes.....I have some explaining to do

OK for all five of you who ever read this or look at it, my last post was a little despairing for want of a better word, but, this is what this is for. Being able to write openly and honestly, no? That was exactly the way I felt at the time I wrote that and I am very happy to say that since then, I am feeling a bit better. Honestly though, i have been feeling down in the dumps and no matter how hard I try to "pick myself up and move on and put on a brave face", I am tired of it. I have done it long enough. While I am not allowing myself to sit and wallow, (who has time for that anyway these days?) I am accepting that this is not going away and dealing.

To clarify, my therapist referred me to a shrink as the funk I'm in ain't going nowhere right now. So she has diagnosed me with having a mild depression and the good ol insomnia that goes along with it. She also has interestingly diagnosed me with having ADHD, but, she is going to do more investigation into that once my depression is under control. As she said, "we'll tackle one thing at a time".

The Irish attitude towards depression usually goes as follows:
" ah sure, u'll be grand, not a bother on ya"
or something like
"a good night out and get a few drinks into ya"

So I is ok, not great, but hopefully getting there. I might sound a tad dramatic but, this is what is going on right now. It's not a huge deal, millions of people have and go through depression once, if not a few times in their lives. Mine has been building for a while and a mix of weight issues, financial worries, despising my job and working in a poisonous atmosphere, splitting with the possible love of my life, a parental death, missing other people who have passed, hearing nothing but bad news on the media, and on and on.

Now, I have fallen into the trap of thinking, gosh compared with others, I have NOTHING to worry about. And I know I don't but I can't get past this either. AH it's really hard to explain. As my therapist told me, I need to stop boo hooing whenever I get hurt, or feel bad, it's a real emotion and I have never really learned to deal with it properly. And no, Daddy didn't hug me enough as a child hahahaha. But, I am allowing myself to go through this for once, and taking this on, and dealing.

It's a real thing. It's not a good thing, but it's real. And it's happening to me for now. Hopefully not for long, I am not allowed drink and silly season is on it's way.........

PS. For the record, I am not sitting in my room wailing and crying and listening to Air Supply, that only happens on Sundays hahahahahahha (<----- me own best audience I know)

PPS. U guys rock! thank u for listening and asking and giving a shit! xoxoxo

I Don't know

If I am going to continue with this or not. Am in such a strange place in my life and while I am not scared as such, am so confused, in a funk and fed up for want of a better expression. I am screaming and no one can hear me, that is the best description I can come up with.

crossroads and updates

Ok so here's what's been going down since I last scribbled on here. I got the obligatory break-up haircut and I have to admit, I love it! :) Good stuff.

I am persisting with the spinning to my own amazement. YES you sweat like, well like so many rude sayings, but goddammit it, it works. So far so good. So I spent most of this afternoon chatting to my BFFFFFF and we have come up with a plan. He has 7 pounds to lose, I, well, I have a little more than that, but let's not go there. So we have hatched the makings of a plan. We are going to set little goals for ourselves. Exercise wise I mean. I pledge to hit the gym at LEAST 3 times a week, if not my grandiose notions of four times. My plan is Monday night, swimming. Tuesday night, spinning. Thursday and Saturday my cardio and weights. We shall see.

Part of this plan is to keep an HONEST account of the shit we consume every week. By shit we mean chocolate, fried crap, excessive cheeses etc etc etc. So this might actually shame us into stopping consuming so much of it. We are going to have a weekly Skype conference call to make it all official. So our reward for all of this? Well, we're not sure yet as we live in different countries BUT there is a huge possibility he's going to be here in April! Woo hoo! So we will come up with something for then.

I miss him so much. We never have cross words, he's honest to a fault with me, he laughs at me if I get too emotional, he grounds me and yet can make me soar in two seconds! We ALWAYS have a BLAST together, we have a similar sense of humor, we can both be complete drama queens yet at the same time despise drama, I confide everything in him, and I mean everything. There is nothing he doesn't know about me and yet he still loves me for ME and reciprocates everything I give to him. I have to see him whenever I go home, he's numero uno priority after my family, heck, he is my family.

This is HUGELY motivational for me. I have been feeling MUCH better this past week. Making life decisions ain't easy but heck, happiness is worth so so so much more than any material goods. My lil plan is coming together nicely. I cannot really say too much about it right now, but, rest assured this time next year I am going to be somewhere entirely different to where I am now. That may include geographically, who knows where I'll end up.

Things are on the up and up. I can feel it. Life is good. Love is all around!

Spinning

Ok who in the name of all that is good and green would ever for a second consider spinning to be in any shape or form enjoyable? Seriously. I am all too well aware of how out of shape I am and in an effort to lose weight and tone up, someone recommended this to me. Someone I no longer converse with as a result. I digress.

My first class was complete and utter torture. I think I lifted off the saddle twice and even at that, I thought I was going to pass out. I kept forgetting you can't coast with spinning, and almost snotted myself several times. Had I not drank any water, I reckon I would have lost 8 pounds in one shot, no bother.

I went back for more last night though. I found it a teeny eeeny weeeny beeeny bit easier. I got off the saddle a little more, but jesus, who considers this fun?
Really? I am an advocate of each to their own and different strokes for different folks etc etc but this could be used in Guantanamo in lieu of the waterboarding.

BUT, I'll be there again next Tuesday :)

Wishin, and Hopin'

It's a holiday Sunday night and I am just home from watching a great feel good movie, Julie & Julia. It's a really good movie and a huge part of it is about blogging and it made me think, I haven't hit this in a little while and while I am always procrastinating, I need to be consistent, or this, like so many other aspects of my life will fall by the way side and slide into an abyss of many other things I have procrastinated about. :)

So I think anyone who knows me knows that anything told to me in secret goes to the grave with me. I don't gossip, well not really, but I know how to keep my mouth shut about most things. However when it comes to me, and myself and what I am doing, well, I don't for some reason. Oh i can clam up and stay schtum when I am not in the mood. But it's not like I am airing my own personal dirty laundry, just, I talk about things. I try to anyways. In the past while I have been accused by my 100% bona fide ex that part of our split up reason is because I don't. Anyhoo.

This past week I had my heart broken all over again by my ex who led me to believe there was a hope or chance we could work things out and maybe try again. He then proceeded to pull the rug from under me all over again and make me cry, again. I am not looking for the sympathy vote here. First time round, yes, now? no. Most people had tried to warn me to be careful and try not to invest myself. But it's not easy when it's someone you are still in love with.

I have had a great weekend in spite of the emotional shit storm. I have been really busy and doing things I want to do and taking care of myself and socializing. The weather has been truly amazing and life is good. I think, I got a lot of my grieving done the first time round. It hurts and yes, I have had little outbursts and little head dramas. Aside from that though, it has made me think.

I think it's just the thoughts of having to get back on the horse, and go back into battle is the scariest, most daunting prospect ever. I miss him. I miss him SO much. We had so much in common, same values, similar politics, similar ethics, beliefs, wishes, hopes and dreams. We were almost perfect and it all horribly exploded. I couldn't believe I had such a good match for me. It was scary. And now it's gone and over and, well, I can't help but feel I am never going to find anyone like him again. Sigh. I know, so so cliched, but, I can't help it.

I am nowhere near ready for any of that right now, but the pity party is going on right now and the one and only guest/host is me. I am doing the whole self-deprecating " I am going to die alone" thing. It will pass, I know, everyone does it. I am going to continue to treat myself nicely and work on ME and being a better person. OMG I went to spinning for the first time ever on Tuesday night, but that can be a whole other blog. But I think I will be fine. I did what I had to do and though I feel like running away and shutting myself into a room for 4 weeks, I can't. My life has to go on and life around me will and is.

So, I am not going to end on a hugely upbeat note here. I can't muster up that much of a brave face. But I will say and pledge this. I do not want to know about men of any description for the rest of 2009. I have neither time nor money for them. I have other things in my life to prioritize right now. I am focusing first and foremost on ME ME ME ME ME. I am temporarily becoming a me feiner. :)

What is that all about?

I have lived in NYC for nigh on five years this January coming. To those Americans reading this, four and a half years ( no offence but ye never get the way we put our weeks, months and years). Anyways.

I just got back from a trip home to the sunny Irish shores. Ok, ok, not sunny. Far from it in fact. Baltic. I digress again. Ok so for the past 5 years I have hopped the pond a grand total of..........12 times. I know, a HUGE carbon footprint, but most of the trips were to be with my mother who passed away October two years ago (again, for the Americans, October 2007). She had a long and arduous battle with cancer.

All this pond hopping has resulted in two things. Me not taking vacations anywhere other than Ireland. Also a nice little ammount of airmiles have been accumulated in these five years. With the exception of flying Aer Fungus a few times, Continental are going to reward me with a free flight. FUN. So back to my original reasoning for writing this.

Throughout my times flying back and forth, it never ceases to amaze me that upon leaving Dublin airport and heading for the N3, it's like I never left home. Seriously, I have very distant memories of NY. Weird huh? The same works when I get back to NYC too. it's like I was never in Ireland. Is it that I have become so accustomed to both that my mind calssifies both as a home from home? Or does it work the other way? It's almost like my mind telling me that I have no fixed abode? Though I class NY as my home? I like to think it's the former, though I have zero inclination to move back to Ireland anytime soon.

This trip, this time was different though. I got back to NYC and after just over 2 weeks, it has taken me slightly longer to fall back into the swing of things. I think in part this is due to the way I want to shake things up, get out of my comfort zone, do and try new things. Move on with my life basically. Having lost two very important people in less than two years takes its toll. But no more. Onwards and upwards. Up UP UP!!!!!!!!!!