Profanity

I realized last night as I texted my angst to a couple of people and never got a response, I don't have anyone to bounce angst off anymore. When you are in a couple, you have someone to vent at and get sympathy. I think it's at the point where sympathy is in very short measure and all of my friends are in relationships or are just plain lazy with their phones. So I decided last night, I am going to do the majority of my venting on here :) YAAAAAY I hear you all say. (all two of you who ever bother to read this).

I had a bad evening yesterday. I was at boiling point at approx. 6.15 PM and could have been mistaken for a homeless or unstable person wandering around the subway station. First off, let me give you some background info. I am trying my best to budget and watch money. i am having EXPENSIVE dental work done and it's kinda killing me right now. Also MTA = Metropolitan Transportation Authority = fuckers who bring the city to its knees on a constant basis.

OK so I was feeling good yesterday evening as I had decided, along with the masses, I needed to get my keester back into the gym. Yep! (In fairness I had only lapsed for about 4 weeks, I am usually a regular) I got off the Metro North train at 125th st. Navigated my way through the rush hour crowd, street vendors, dealers, under cover and uniformed cops the one block to the subway station to get to the 96th st subway station. I had my metro card and a $20 in hand! I got to the station at 5.55pm, delighted that I would in all probability be at the gym for 615, ensuring I got a semi-decent amount of time half arsedly exercising. So I q'd up to put the money on my card, inserted the 20, saw a balance on the screen, headed for turnstile and "insufficient funds". Nah, I must have swiped too fast, so I swiped again and the same message came up. I went to a different turnstile, same message.

My stomach dropped and my heart sped up. WTF? I just put a 20 on this card, and I have a minimal $13 left in my wallet and I cannot spend from my debit card. SHIT! I wanted that $13 for other minimal purchases maybe tomorrow or even for a cab to work on Friday because it's supposed to be absolutley beyond cold again. Plus, this is going to be time wasted. Dammit. My first instinct was to skip the gym. No, I had come this far. I could have just used the $10 there and then but, fuck it, the MTA get away with this sort of shit all the time. I had to fight for this $20 so I got in line for the booth agent dammit. Some dude asked me for a quarter while I was in this line and I responded in such a tone, I think I scared him. "no I don't have a quarter, I don't have ANY quarters!"

Some guy tried to cut in front of me also, but for the split second that he looked away, I got up to the agent, card in hand, relieved and just glad to have this all sorted out. Sadly, this was not to be. I explained to him what had happened and God love him, he was nice, but gave me the bad news as he handed me some envelope, "I cannot do refunds. You need to get the machine number and call the number on this form. I can give you a courtesy pass into the station now"

WHAT THE FUCK? What if I had ZERO money? What then? What if I had been down to my very last $20 and had put it into the card, which is almost true. I asked him "how am I supposed to get home if I chose now to go downtown?" (I live UPtown) and all I received was a shrug. My rage did not hit me until I was about 5 paces away from the booth. By now it was 6.10. In New York, this 15 minutes is the difference between hitting your bus on your way HOME, this is how far in advance you have to strategize. At the booth I was akin to a goldfish, mouth opening and closing as my heart sank. 5 paces away? I turned into a total psycho, the type of person you step away from. There were three cops setting up an inspection table, and I am sure my loud "for FUCK sake" attracted their attention, but even they avoided me.

I stomped up the stairs until I could see reception bars on my phone and proceeded to dial the number. As I was wearing gloves this did not go according to plan. Further infuriated, I ripped my gloves off, all the while swearing and effing and blinding, close to tears at the injustice of it all. God help the operator I get through to. I went through two menus when the realization hit, the fuckin place is closed. Snapped shut my phone, stomped back down the stairs and marched back up to the booth demanding to know WHY I had been asked to call the number, when the place is closed. The agent, seeing I was pissed beyond pissed just andwered, nicely as he could, I needed to call them from 8 AM onwards.

Knowing I was utterly defeated and any further outbursts would probably end in my arrest, I asked him as calmly as I could to open the gate. Still close to tears with rage I barged down the stairs, 20 minutes now behind schedule and hit the gym for an hour. A half-hearted hour. My enthusiasm and gusto had faded with the first "insufficient funds".

Other people have had this happen to them, of course they have. But when I got home last night, an hour later than scheduled, and I had long since calmed down and resigned to spending the other $10 on a new card, it hit me that I reacted more or less exactly as most New Yorkers do. Time is a precious thing in this city of ours. Things sometimes spiral out of your control and the hidden type A personality comes to the fore. Ugh!

One more gripe I have with the subway is how utterly infuriating it is when people insist on blocking the top of the stairs at the entrances to talk on their phone! REALLY? there is NOWHERE else you can talk? You absolute DIPSHIT! And breathe. This has been a very therapeutic exercise. I still love New York!

Yikes!

I had resolved to start the year and have a great year! Be upbeat, positive, go for it, make this year my own. Smart and all as I thought I was, my subconcious has had other ideas. I have had bad dreams about my ex for the past two nights which has had the knock-on effect that I find myself thinking about the dreams, him, instances in our relationship and finding myself questioning everything all over again. I know it's only been two days this nonsense has gone on, and I have made huge progress, but, why is this creeping back into my dreams? I thought I had all of this behind me. Maybe it's because it IS the New Year that all of this has crept back to me? I don't know. I am not obsessing about it and am not worried about it, I know it will pass, and, to my knowldege nothing has happened to me to encourage these dreams either. I have heard no songs, been anywhere to spur these. It's kinda a mystery.

I have been thinking though and I guess in a way cringing at all my mis-spent energy crying over it and thinking about it. All normal. I think deep down it could be from my utter, annoying, despairing, frustrating, total lack of self-confidence. Looking up the ol reliable dream dictionaries points to this. It makes sense to a point. I have in a way withdrawn to a point to self-reflect and decide on my next move. Without sounding like a cliché, I intend to do the en masse reliables, eat better, exercise more, become more financially stable, make friends with new people this year, socialize more, and also, my most important goal, take a weeks vacation with no phone, no tv, no electronic anything. A week of pure, unadulterated r & r. I am thinking Barbados or Costa Rica. :) somewhere warm, good beaches, beautiful water...........

I have many changes coming up this year and many positive things to come. One of my VERY bestest friends in the whole wide world is going to be here in April. I cannot wait! I am not going to jinx myself by mentioning others, but, it's going to be a good year. It's just frustrating to me that this has reared its ugly head again. The mind is a weird and very strange thing, the way it works and processes things. I barely think about him these days, and unfortunately, it's never in a good way when I do. But I am I guess just aghast at these dreams. Ugh! Booooo!

It's merely a blip, I know. I will be fine. I guess there is no way to force the mind to let things go or forget :) I think 2010 will hold many more things for me, and apart from this bullshit, it has gotten off to a good start! I met a family friend of mine, he's like an adopted brother, not having seen him for almost 4 years, which was great. I have started eating better, I had a KICK ass pyjama weekend, it's been freezing cold, which I like most of the time, the weather has been amazing, my friends kick ass, I have a lto of love in my life, my family RULE!!!!! (though my nephew broke my heart by asking if I wud come to his house to play in the snow with him, HOW CUTE?) I am meeting a new friend next week for dinner, she kicks ass, I am just having a nice week so far................long may it last.

I hope anyone reading this is not put off by the negative start to this post. It's a teeny tiny glitch in the matrix so to speak. I hope all of you have a KICK ass year too, it's going to be good, I can feel it. See writing all of this has made me feel so much better and re-affirmed I don't need a silly boy in my life. I deserve a man, and shall have one when I chose to!

MWAH!

It's Stephens Day

And I am sitting in pj's watching Meet Me in St. Louis and I have made the decision, I am so going home next year for Christmas. It's my third year away from home and that's enough. I find myself homesick for the first time in years. Why? I guess it's that time of year, but, also,being such a crappy year too, I personally cannot wait for 11:59 PM December 31st. Economy aside, it's been a tough year. There has been great joy too, my brother getting married, various births, having friends coming to stay, getting back in touch with other people, visit home and no less than TWO trips to London.

My break up consumed the latter half of the year and has been a huge heartache and learning process and I guess with my confidence at an all time low right now, the only way is up? I have slipped out of my gym routine, and have taken the friends visits as an excuse to eat my way into more oblivion. This horrible cycle has to and will stop. Ah the new year resolutions etc etc. Ha! I think I have been building up to this though.

So I am looking forward to 2010~! Bring it on I say, here's to ME!

Points to note

I have been told by an ortho not to do spinning for a while, until I lose more weight as it's putting too much pressire on my joints, which sucks!!! booooo. Ironic though, I have to lose weight before I can do a class that enables me to lose weight. Whatevs!

Oh and yes, I need to structure my blogs a little more, essay writing never was my strong point!

Sign o' the Times

Ok further to my last posting, I am doing good. Am not floating on air and running through fields of sunflowers or anything, but, am a helluva lot better than I was a month ago. I have made HUGE progress in myself and just feel all round better, about everything. OH the latent anger about my split is still simmering and will do for a long long time to come, but, whatever. A lot of hindsight into that relationship actually makes me feel a lot better about myself and I can pride myself in that I was honest, he wasn't. And a lot of instances, and situations and day to day things that I think about with him make me feel like I was nothing more to him than a social experiment. Again, with the honesty. I was, he wasn't, his loss and his problem.

It's coming up to Christmas and this is going to be my third here, and my third without my mother. It's weird. The only was I can describe it. I don't know, it was just her favorite holiday and she always got so excited about it. BUT I am looking forward already to Xmas '10. I am goig home to watch my two munchkinheads wake and go nuts!!! So, yeah, silly season is on its way and it's going to be my first ever alcohol free. Should be interesting.

So onto the real reason I was writing today. I saw a friends blog online about her struggle with motivation to go to the gym and tackle weight issues head on. The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking to myself, "preaching to the choir sista!". I have a substantial amount of weight to lose. To hit the higher end of an acceptable BMI for me, I need to lose at least another 88 pounds. I have lost 12 in 9 weeks. Slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I have been going to the gym religiously, maybe 3-5 times per week and I have to admit, i really really enjoy it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME! I enjoy the gym, I know.

Part of the reason is that the gym I go to has a completely separate weights area and even the weights area is split in two. The free weights and the machines. So I don't need to see the grunters, which is great. Unfortunately though I DO have to see all the stupid skinny dipshits who wear next to nothing to work out and sometimes even no sports bra and wearing FULL make-up. REALLY? It's at times like these that I veer either towards, "u dumb ass stupid girl, did Daddy not hug you enough as a child?" to " oh my gosh look at the state of me, I will never be like her. Jeeeez I bet every guy in here is looking at her and look at my red face and sweat and ugh my ass is huge and my belly is huge ugh". It truly varies.

So the following is an excerpt of a letter I have written to a friend of a friend of a friend who is blogging her Weight Watchers success and journey. She recently hit a wall and has so much self doubt about herself and her body and appearance. I wrote to her as she has lost approx. 50 pounds, and she looks AMAZING!!!! Truly inspirational! WOWZERS! I can so relate to her so I had to write to her:

"I was in Ireland recently and pulled out some old photos of myself and bawled my eyes out. If only I could see back then what I do now. I wasn't HUGE or an ELEPHANT or a BLOB as I always thought. I was about right for my height and build. Because of my head space I got it stupidly into my head that "well if doesn't matter now what I eat, no one will look at me anyhow". Honestly I could punch myself for doing that. For having such little self esteem"

So there we have it. I can't even imagine myself being thinner than I am now. I try, but, I fail. Two years ago I lost 36 pounds and felt fuckin amazing and looked it too. Then my world fell apart and to be honest, it has never been the same. So that 36 pounds plus approx another 15 went back on. So YAAAAY fun for vicious circles.

I don't want to hear the Christina Aguilera song or anything like it. I'll puke. But, it IS a head thing. Mind over matter. I had an absolute HOT piece of ass flirt with me the other night in the gym and though he does with EVERYONE, well, it has boosted my confidence. I WANT to exercise more and eat healthier. I can actually start to feel my clothes feel looser. Can't be bad right?

Hearing the other day how good my hair looks and from another person how good I look? well, all help. I need to build my confidence back up. It took me so long to have it previously and, there's a huge element of fear. Fear. Fear is a bitch. Godamnit to hell. But fear is much better than never taking the chance at all..............Living in NY is tough. Living in NY in 2010 is awful by times. Ralph Lauren really pissed me off a few weeks back with that AWFUL article about firing a model because they couldn't count all of her ribs? She wasn't skinny enough? Hs inspired me never to buy Ralph Lauren again. Ever. Shame on them. Shame on the people who look so judgementally at me on the street or subway or bus. Do they think I WANT to be overweight and unhealthy? Of course the whole element of "if you REALLY want it, u can make it happen" comes into it. But the circle I have been stuck in is the following:

I lose some weight and have a great few days, hit the gym and feel fucking PUKKA!

I then have a bad bad day, hit the Ben & Jerrys or other chocolate heavenly things and spend the next few days in the mind set of, well, hung for a sheep as a lamb.

As I have said, SLOWLY but I am getting there. And when I do, people better be prepared to be WOWED!

BTW I implore you to look up Filippa Hamilton who is 5'10 and weighs 120 pounds???? Is this what our society has turned into? A competitive field where it's survival of the skinniest? The above is the model in question and at the center of the furore!

Oh and another thing, on my way TO and FROM the gym I walk past a Crumbs store. You heard me, CRUMBS! And I walk past! :)

Baby steps...........

Yikes.....I have some explaining to do

OK for all five of you who ever read this or look at it, my last post was a little despairing for want of a better word, but, this is what this is for. Being able to write openly and honestly, no? That was exactly the way I felt at the time I wrote that and I am very happy to say that since then, I am feeling a bit better. Honestly though, i have been feeling down in the dumps and no matter how hard I try to "pick myself up and move on and put on a brave face", I am tired of it. I have done it long enough. While I am not allowing myself to sit and wallow, (who has time for that anyway these days?) I am accepting that this is not going away and dealing.

To clarify, my therapist referred me to a shrink as the funk I'm in ain't going nowhere right now. So she has diagnosed me with having a mild depression and the good ol insomnia that goes along with it. She also has interestingly diagnosed me with having ADHD, but, she is going to do more investigation into that once my depression is under control. As she said, "we'll tackle one thing at a time".

The Irish attitude towards depression usually goes as follows:
" ah sure, u'll be grand, not a bother on ya"
or something like
"a good night out and get a few drinks into ya"

So I is ok, not great, but hopefully getting there. I might sound a tad dramatic but, this is what is going on right now. It's not a huge deal, millions of people have and go through depression once, if not a few times in their lives. Mine has been building for a while and a mix of weight issues, financial worries, despising my job and working in a poisonous atmosphere, splitting with the possible love of my life, a parental death, missing other people who have passed, hearing nothing but bad news on the media, and on and on.

Now, I have fallen into the trap of thinking, gosh compared with others, I have NOTHING to worry about. And I know I don't but I can't get past this either. AH it's really hard to explain. As my therapist told me, I need to stop boo hooing whenever I get hurt, or feel bad, it's a real emotion and I have never really learned to deal with it properly. And no, Daddy didn't hug me enough as a child hahahaha. But, I am allowing myself to go through this for once, and taking this on, and dealing.

It's a real thing. It's not a good thing, but it's real. And it's happening to me for now. Hopefully not for long, I am not allowed drink and silly season is on it's way.........

PS. For the record, I am not sitting in my room wailing and crying and listening to Air Supply, that only happens on Sundays hahahahahahha (<----- me own best audience I know)

PPS. U guys rock! thank u for listening and asking and giving a shit! xoxoxo

I Don't know

If I am going to continue with this or not. Am in such a strange place in my life and while I am not scared as such, am so confused, in a funk and fed up for want of a better expression. I am screaming and no one can hear me, that is the best description I can come up with.