Points to note

I have been told by an ortho not to do spinning for a while, until I lose more weight as it's putting too much pressire on my joints, which sucks!!! booooo. Ironic though, I have to lose weight before I can do a class that enables me to lose weight. Whatevs!

Oh and yes, I need to structure my blogs a little more, essay writing never was my strong point!

Sign o' the Times

Ok further to my last posting, I am doing good. Am not floating on air and running through fields of sunflowers or anything, but, am a helluva lot better than I was a month ago. I have made HUGE progress in myself and just feel all round better, about everything. OH the latent anger about my split is still simmering and will do for a long long time to come, but, whatever. A lot of hindsight into that relationship actually makes me feel a lot better about myself and I can pride myself in that I was honest, he wasn't. And a lot of instances, and situations and day to day things that I think about with him make me feel like I was nothing more to him than a social experiment. Again, with the honesty. I was, he wasn't, his loss and his problem.

It's coming up to Christmas and this is going to be my third here, and my third without my mother. It's weird. The only was I can describe it. I don't know, it was just her favorite holiday and she always got so excited about it. BUT I am looking forward already to Xmas '10. I am goig home to watch my two munchkinheads wake and go nuts!!! So, yeah, silly season is on its way and it's going to be my first ever alcohol free. Should be interesting.

So onto the real reason I was writing today. I saw a friends blog online about her struggle with motivation to go to the gym and tackle weight issues head on. The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking to myself, "preaching to the choir sista!". I have a substantial amount of weight to lose. To hit the higher end of an acceptable BMI for me, I need to lose at least another 88 pounds. I have lost 12 in 9 weeks. Slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I have been going to the gym religiously, maybe 3-5 times per week and I have to admit, i really really enjoy it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME! I enjoy the gym, I know.

Part of the reason is that the gym I go to has a completely separate weights area and even the weights area is split in two. The free weights and the machines. So I don't need to see the grunters, which is great. Unfortunately though I DO have to see all the stupid skinny dipshits who wear next to nothing to work out and sometimes even no sports bra and wearing FULL make-up. REALLY? It's at times like these that I veer either towards, "u dumb ass stupid girl, did Daddy not hug you enough as a child?" to " oh my gosh look at the state of me, I will never be like her. Jeeeez I bet every guy in here is looking at her and look at my red face and sweat and ugh my ass is huge and my belly is huge ugh". It truly varies.

So the following is an excerpt of a letter I have written to a friend of a friend of a friend who is blogging her Weight Watchers success and journey. She recently hit a wall and has so much self doubt about herself and her body and appearance. I wrote to her as she has lost approx. 50 pounds, and she looks AMAZING!!!! Truly inspirational! WOWZERS! I can so relate to her so I had to write to her:

"I was in Ireland recently and pulled out some old photos of myself and bawled my eyes out. If only I could see back then what I do now. I wasn't HUGE or an ELEPHANT or a BLOB as I always thought. I was about right for my height and build. Because of my head space I got it stupidly into my head that "well if doesn't matter now what I eat, no one will look at me anyhow". Honestly I could punch myself for doing that. For having such little self esteem"

So there we have it. I can't even imagine myself being thinner than I am now. I try, but, I fail. Two years ago I lost 36 pounds and felt fuckin amazing and looked it too. Then my world fell apart and to be honest, it has never been the same. So that 36 pounds plus approx another 15 went back on. So YAAAAY fun for vicious circles.

I don't want to hear the Christina Aguilera song or anything like it. I'll puke. But, it IS a head thing. Mind over matter. I had an absolute HOT piece of ass flirt with me the other night in the gym and though he does with EVERYONE, well, it has boosted my confidence. I WANT to exercise more and eat healthier. I can actually start to feel my clothes feel looser. Can't be bad right?

Hearing the other day how good my hair looks and from another person how good I look? well, all help. I need to build my confidence back up. It took me so long to have it previously and, there's a huge element of fear. Fear. Fear is a bitch. Godamnit to hell. But fear is much better than never taking the chance at all..............Living in NY is tough. Living in NY in 2010 is awful by times. Ralph Lauren really pissed me off a few weeks back with that AWFUL article about firing a model because they couldn't count all of her ribs? She wasn't skinny enough? Hs inspired me never to buy Ralph Lauren again. Ever. Shame on them. Shame on the people who look so judgementally at me on the street or subway or bus. Do they think I WANT to be overweight and unhealthy? Of course the whole element of "if you REALLY want it, u can make it happen" comes into it. But the circle I have been stuck in is the following:

I lose some weight and have a great few days, hit the gym and feel fucking PUKKA!

I then have a bad bad day, hit the Ben & Jerrys or other chocolate heavenly things and spend the next few days in the mind set of, well, hung for a sheep as a lamb.

As I have said, SLOWLY but I am getting there. And when I do, people better be prepared to be WOWED!

BTW I implore you to look up Filippa Hamilton who is 5'10 and weighs 120 pounds???? Is this what our society has turned into? A competitive field where it's survival of the skinniest? The above is the model in question and at the center of the furore!

Oh and another thing, on my way TO and FROM the gym I walk past a Crumbs store. You heard me, CRUMBS! And I walk past! :)

Baby steps...........