Valentines came and went. But not without tears for me. For the most part, I had a pretty non-descript day, made my way home from a weekend in Staten Island and all was going well until I hit Grand Central and I had sufficient time to start to think. And that was a bad thing. The tears didn't come until I was walking up my hill and a good friend was texting me, tellin me the bastard's not worth it. And I know this to be true, but, at the time, I couldn't help it. I became a self-deprecating singleton. One of millions who just wished the days end would come quickly. And it ended and I survived.
On and off Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I thought about him, us, what went wrong, hindsights, I shudda's etc etc Not obsessively, but, it was there nonetheless, popping up now and then. But I had my trip to Texas on Thursday to look forward to! :)
I packed, left for the airport, got into Manhattan in good time, got on the bus, and that's where things went a little pear shaped. You see, I was flying from Newark in New Jersey. I have to travel through New Jersey to get to the airport. The very same route to get to his home place more or less. And the three times I have gone to the airport since we have split, I have spent the entire journey in tears, and Thursday was no different. I can't seem to help it. I am overcome with sadness and memories. I am not sure if I will ever overcome it? I am sure I will to an extent, but, overall, not just Jersey, but the relationship as a whole.
For the most part, I am fine. I go about my day to days, not thinking about it, him or anything in particular. But when I do, it can be kinda horrid. I beat myself up for not walking away sooner, for things I never said/did, I ignored so many red flags and at this point, it's more me than him I am angry with. No matter how I try, I am my own worst enemy and critic.
I get angry with myself for so many things, I can't keep up some days. The most prominent reason though is for letting people walk all over me, the way he did. I am becoming more assertive, and more ballsy and sepaking my mind, but if someone sent home a school report for me on this subject, it would definitely be marked "could do better". It is a slow, slow process but I am getting there. See what I did there? A little self-praise. :P I can;t help but think, all the times I reacted to my gut about him, and called him out on things, I let him talk me out of it, or worse again, the oldest trick in the book, let him make me think I was the problem and I was being paranoid. Ugh! Lessons learned.
I'm not over him. I am WAAAAY better than I was a few months ago, but, am not quite there yet. He was not "the one". I need to accept things and continue to move on. I have a lot of things to look forward to. I have a lot of friends coming out in the next few months, I have a possible career change coming up involving going back to school, I have a trip home to look forward to amongst other things! It's going to be a good year for me! I can feel it.
Though I may sound like a moaning minnie having written all of that about him, and how I am not over him, there is plenty of evidence pointing to me getting over him too. For the most part, I don't think about him, and honestly couldn't give two shits about him or where he is or what he's doing. He doesn't deserve my thoughts. And he knows it. Listening to him whinge about how he's not a bad person is cock. He used me and did so for his own selfish reasons and he knows it. These are not the actions of a good person. I am not going to get into all of that on here either. I am so much happier these days. (apart from mon-fri between the hours of 830 AM and 5PM hahaha)
I know that I am going to be in love again some day and it will be the best of my life. All my hurt and heart break will be forgotten and it will be for keeps. I am an amazing woman. I think my only faults are that I wear my heart on my sleeve a little too much, I can be a little too open about my life, feelings and opinions, I can be a walking contradiction by times as I can put up a barrier like none known before about my life, feelings and opinions also. I am a mean cook, I like to clean, I am thoughtful and considerate and loving to a fault. Interestingly I read an article about dating on Yahoo! recently about how women give themselves too much kudos and credit and need to stop holding out for the perfect guy. I think anyone who thinks he exists is in for a long, lonely wait.
I am not perfect, I don't aspire to be perfect, I am who I am. Most people think I am kick ass. I think so too for the most part, but, I have my days, everyone does. I think, putting this whole subject to bed, what I am trying to say is, while I may not be over the bollix, I have hope that I will someday love someone and allow them to love me. :) I have to have hope........
Now, having said all of that, my trip to Austin was amazing! Apart from the journey between Grand Central and Newark. Things I have learned about Tex Ass:
- the weather rocks!
- San Antonio, apart from the Alamo and about a block around it, is a kip
- The Alamo rocks
- The Capitol building in Austin rocks
- men will almost break their necks to go out of their way to open doors and be polite
- everyone is super friendly and chatty and smiley
it would be my third choice city to live in after NY that I have been to so far. Texas is also my 14th state to visit. Only 36 left and hopefully by years end that will be down to 34! I am hoping to get to New Mexico and Tennessee. Back to Texas. I was like a mini-celebrity down there as they rarely get Irish visitors and my accent enthralled them hahahaha. I had to repeat myself thousands of times on numerous occasions, but, it's all good!
I LOVE exporing the states. I love going somewhere new and soaking it all up. Nowhere compares to NY in my opinion. I love getting back to the hustle and bustle. But, this trip really spelled out how unmannerly and plain rude New Yorkers really are, I am very forgiving of that though hahahaha. The USA is so vast, varied I have so much to see and do without ever leaving the country. I DO have a passport and am willing to travel, funds do not allow, so for this year, I am sticking close to home.
I know, there's not been much shape to this blog, and it's a little all over the gaff, but, it's honest and I am shooting from the hip...............as always!
