Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Profanity

I realized last night as I texted my angst to a couple of people and never got a response, I don't have anyone to bounce angst off anymore. When you are in a couple, you have someone to vent at and get sympathy. I think it's at the point where sympathy is in very short measure and all of my friends are in relationships or are just plain lazy with their phones. So I decided last night, I am going to do the majority of my venting on here :) YAAAAAY I hear you all say. (all two of you who ever bother to read this).

I had a bad evening yesterday. I was at boiling point at approx. 6.15 PM and could have been mistaken for a homeless or unstable person wandering around the subway station. First off, let me give you some background info. I am trying my best to budget and watch money. i am having EXPENSIVE dental work done and it's kinda killing me right now. Also MTA = Metropolitan Transportation Authority = fuckers who bring the city to its knees on a constant basis.

OK so I was feeling good yesterday evening as I had decided, along with the masses, I needed to get my keester back into the gym. Yep! (In fairness I had only lapsed for about 4 weeks, I am usually a regular) I got off the Metro North train at 125th st. Navigated my way through the rush hour crowd, street vendors, dealers, under cover and uniformed cops the one block to the subway station to get to the 96th st subway station. I had my metro card and a $20 in hand! I got to the station at 5.55pm, delighted that I would in all probability be at the gym for 615, ensuring I got a semi-decent amount of time half arsedly exercising. So I q'd up to put the money on my card, inserted the 20, saw a balance on the screen, headed for turnstile and "insufficient funds". Nah, I must have swiped too fast, so I swiped again and the same message came up. I went to a different turnstile, same message.

My stomach dropped and my heart sped up. WTF? I just put a 20 on this card, and I have a minimal $13 left in my wallet and I cannot spend from my debit card. SHIT! I wanted that $13 for other minimal purchases maybe tomorrow or even for a cab to work on Friday because it's supposed to be absolutley beyond cold again. Plus, this is going to be time wasted. Dammit. My first instinct was to skip the gym. No, I had come this far. I could have just used the $10 there and then but, fuck it, the MTA get away with this sort of shit all the time. I had to fight for this $20 so I got in line for the booth agent dammit. Some dude asked me for a quarter while I was in this line and I responded in such a tone, I think I scared him. "no I don't have a quarter, I don't have ANY quarters!"

Some guy tried to cut in front of me also, but for the split second that he looked away, I got up to the agent, card in hand, relieved and just glad to have this all sorted out. Sadly, this was not to be. I explained to him what had happened and God love him, he was nice, but gave me the bad news as he handed me some envelope, "I cannot do refunds. You need to get the machine number and call the number on this form. I can give you a courtesy pass into the station now"

WHAT THE FUCK? What if I had ZERO money? What then? What if I had been down to my very last $20 and had put it into the card, which is almost true. I asked him "how am I supposed to get home if I chose now to go downtown?" (I live UPtown) and all I received was a shrug. My rage did not hit me until I was about 5 paces away from the booth. By now it was 6.10. In New York, this 15 minutes is the difference between hitting your bus on your way HOME, this is how far in advance you have to strategize. At the booth I was akin to a goldfish, mouth opening and closing as my heart sank. 5 paces away? I turned into a total psycho, the type of person you step away from. There were three cops setting up an inspection table, and I am sure my loud "for FUCK sake" attracted their attention, but even they avoided me.

I stomped up the stairs until I could see reception bars on my phone and proceeded to dial the number. As I was wearing gloves this did not go according to plan. Further infuriated, I ripped my gloves off, all the while swearing and effing and blinding, close to tears at the injustice of it all. God help the operator I get through to. I went through two menus when the realization hit, the fuckin place is closed. Snapped shut my phone, stomped back down the stairs and marched back up to the booth demanding to know WHY I had been asked to call the number, when the place is closed. The agent, seeing I was pissed beyond pissed just andwered, nicely as he could, I needed to call them from 8 AM onwards.

Knowing I was utterly defeated and any further outbursts would probably end in my arrest, I asked him as calmly as I could to open the gate. Still close to tears with rage I barged down the stairs, 20 minutes now behind schedule and hit the gym for an hour. A half-hearted hour. My enthusiasm and gusto had faded with the first "insufficient funds".

Other people have had this happen to them, of course they have. But when I got home last night, an hour later than scheduled, and I had long since calmed down and resigned to spending the other $10 on a new card, it hit me that I reacted more or less exactly as most New Yorkers do. Time is a precious thing in this city of ours. Things sometimes spiral out of your control and the hidden type A personality comes to the fore. Ugh!

One more gripe I have with the subway is how utterly infuriating it is when people insist on blocking the top of the stairs at the entrances to talk on their phone! REALLY? there is NOWHERE else you can talk? You absolute DIPSHIT! And breathe. This has been a very therapeutic exercise. I still love New York!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Yikes!

I had resolved to start the year and have a great year! Be upbeat, positive, go for it, make this year my own. Smart and all as I thought I was, my subconcious has had other ideas. I have had bad dreams about my ex for the past two nights which has had the knock-on effect that I find myself thinking about the dreams, him, instances in our relationship and finding myself questioning everything all over again. I know it's only been two days this nonsense has gone on, and I have made huge progress, but, why is this creeping back into my dreams? I thought I had all of this behind me. Maybe it's because it IS the New Year that all of this has crept back to me? I don't know. I am not obsessing about it and am not worried about it, I know it will pass, and, to my knowldege nothing has happened to me to encourage these dreams either. I have heard no songs, been anywhere to spur these. It's kinda a mystery.

I have been thinking though and I guess in a way cringing at all my mis-spent energy crying over it and thinking about it. All normal. I think deep down it could be from my utter, annoying, despairing, frustrating, total lack of self-confidence. Looking up the ol reliable dream dictionaries points to this. It makes sense to a point. I have in a way withdrawn to a point to self-reflect and decide on my next move. Without sounding like a cliché, I intend to do the en masse reliables, eat better, exercise more, become more financially stable, make friends with new people this year, socialize more, and also, my most important goal, take a weeks vacation with no phone, no tv, no electronic anything. A week of pure, unadulterated r & r. I am thinking Barbados or Costa Rica. :) somewhere warm, good beaches, beautiful water...........

I have many changes coming up this year and many positive things to come. One of my VERY bestest friends in the whole wide world is going to be here in April. I cannot wait! I am not going to jinx myself by mentioning others, but, it's going to be a good year. It's just frustrating to me that this has reared its ugly head again. The mind is a weird and very strange thing, the way it works and processes things. I barely think about him these days, and unfortunately, it's never in a good way when I do. But I am I guess just aghast at these dreams. Ugh! Booooo!

It's merely a blip, I know. I will be fine. I guess there is no way to force the mind to let things go or forget :) I think 2010 will hold many more things for me, and apart from this bullshit, it has gotten off to a good start! I met a family friend of mine, he's like an adopted brother, not having seen him for almost 4 years, which was great. I have started eating better, I had a KICK ass pyjama weekend, it's been freezing cold, which I like most of the time, the weather has been amazing, my friends kick ass, I have a lto of love in my life, my family RULE!!!!! (though my nephew broke my heart by asking if I wud come to his house to play in the snow with him, HOW CUTE?) I am meeting a new friend next week for dinner, she kicks ass, I am just having a nice week so far................long may it last.


I hope anyone reading this is not put off by the negative start to this post. It's a teeny tiny glitch in the matrix so to speak. I hope all of you have a KICK ass year too, it's going to be good, I can feel it. See writing all of this has made me feel so much better and re-affirmed I don't need a silly boy in my life. I deserve a man, and shall have one when I chose to!

MWAH!