Yikes!

I had resolved to start the year and have a great year! Be upbeat, positive, go for it, make this year my own. Smart and all as I thought I was, my subconcious has had other ideas. I have had bad dreams about my ex for the past two nights which has had the knock-on effect that I find myself thinking about the dreams, him, instances in our relationship and finding myself questioning everything all over again. I know it's only been two days this nonsense has gone on, and I have made huge progress, but, why is this creeping back into my dreams? I thought I had all of this behind me. Maybe it's because it IS the New Year that all of this has crept back to me? I don't know. I am not obsessing about it and am not worried about it, I know it will pass, and, to my knowldege nothing has happened to me to encourage these dreams either. I have heard no songs, been anywhere to spur these. It's kinda a mystery.

I have been thinking though and I guess in a way cringing at all my mis-spent energy crying over it and thinking about it. All normal. I think deep down it could be from my utter, annoying, despairing, frustrating, total lack of self-confidence. Looking up the ol reliable dream dictionaries points to this. It makes sense to a point. I have in a way withdrawn to a point to self-reflect and decide on my next move. Without sounding like a cliché, I intend to do the en masse reliables, eat better, exercise more, become more financially stable, make friends with new people this year, socialize more, and also, my most important goal, take a weeks vacation with no phone, no tv, no electronic anything. A week of pure, unadulterated r & r. I am thinking Barbados or Costa Rica. :) somewhere warm, good beaches, beautiful water...........

I have many changes coming up this year and many positive things to come. One of my VERY bestest friends in the whole wide world is going to be here in April. I cannot wait! I am not going to jinx myself by mentioning others, but, it's going to be a good year. It's just frustrating to me that this has reared its ugly head again. The mind is a weird and very strange thing, the way it works and processes things. I barely think about him these days, and unfortunately, it's never in a good way when I do. But I am I guess just aghast at these dreams. Ugh! Booooo!

It's merely a blip, I know. I will be fine. I guess there is no way to force the mind to let things go or forget :) I think 2010 will hold many more things for me, and apart from this bullshit, it has gotten off to a good start! I met a family friend of mine, he's like an adopted brother, not having seen him for almost 4 years, which was great. I have started eating better, I had a KICK ass pyjama weekend, it's been freezing cold, which I like most of the time, the weather has been amazing, my friends kick ass, I have a lto of love in my life, my family RULE!!!!! (though my nephew broke my heart by asking if I wud come to his house to play in the snow with him, HOW CUTE?) I am meeting a new friend next week for dinner, she kicks ass, I am just having a nice week so far................long may it last.

I hope anyone reading this is not put off by the negative start to this post. It's a teeny tiny glitch in the matrix so to speak. I hope all of you have a KICK ass year too, it's going to be good, I can feel it. See writing all of this has made me feel so much better and re-affirmed I don't need a silly boy in my life. I deserve a man, and shall have one when I chose to!

MWAH!