crossroads and updates

Ok so here's what's been going down since I last scribbled on here. I got the obligatory break-up haircut and I have to admit, I love it! :) Good stuff.

I am persisting with the spinning to my own amazement. YES you sweat like, well like so many rude sayings, but goddammit it, it works. So far so good. So I spent most of this afternoon chatting to my BFFFFFF and we have come up with a plan. He has 7 pounds to lose, I, well, I have a little more than that, but let's not go there. So we have hatched the makings of a plan. We are going to set little goals for ourselves. Exercise wise I mean. I pledge to hit the gym at LEAST 3 times a week, if not my grandiose notions of four times. My plan is Monday night, swimming. Tuesday night, spinning. Thursday and Saturday my cardio and weights. We shall see.

Part of this plan is to keep an HONEST account of the shit we consume every week. By shit we mean chocolate, fried crap, excessive cheeses etc etc etc. So this might actually shame us into stopping consuming so much of it. We are going to have a weekly Skype conference call to make it all official. So our reward for all of this? Well, we're not sure yet as we live in different countries BUT there is a huge possibility he's going to be here in April! Woo hoo! So we will come up with something for then.

I miss him so much. We never have cross words, he's honest to a fault with me, he laughs at me if I get too emotional, he grounds me and yet can make me soar in two seconds! We ALWAYS have a BLAST together, we have a similar sense of humor, we can both be complete drama queens yet at the same time despise drama, I confide everything in him, and I mean everything. There is nothing he doesn't know about me and yet he still loves me for ME and reciprocates everything I give to him. I have to see him whenever I go home, he's numero uno priority after my family, heck, he is my family.

This is HUGELY motivational for me. I have been feeling MUCH better this past week. Making life decisions ain't easy but heck, happiness is worth so so so much more than any material goods. My lil plan is coming together nicely. I cannot really say too much about it right now, but, rest assured this time next year I am going to be somewhere entirely different to where I am now. That may include geographically, who knows where I'll end up.

Things are on the up and up. I can feel it. Life is good. Love is all around!

Spinning

Ok who in the name of all that is good and green would ever for a second consider spinning to be in any shape or form enjoyable? Seriously. I am all too well aware of how out of shape I am and in an effort to lose weight and tone up, someone recommended this to me. Someone I no longer converse with as a result. I digress.

My first class was complete and utter torture. I think I lifted off the saddle twice and even at that, I thought I was going to pass out. I kept forgetting you can't coast with spinning, and almost snotted myself several times. Had I not drank any water, I reckon I would have lost 8 pounds in one shot, no bother.

I went back for more last night though. I found it a teeny eeeny weeeny beeeny bit easier. I got off the saddle a little more, but jesus, who considers this fun?
Really? I am an advocate of each to their own and different strokes for different folks etc etc but this could be used in Guantanamo in lieu of the waterboarding.

BUT, I'll be there again next Tuesday :)

Wishin, and Hopin'

It's a holiday Sunday night and I am just home from watching a great feel good movie, Julie & Julia. It's a really good movie and a huge part of it is about blogging and it made me think, I haven't hit this in a little while and while I am always procrastinating, I need to be consistent, or this, like so many other aspects of my life will fall by the way side and slide into an abyss of many other things I have procrastinated about. :)

So I think anyone who knows me knows that anything told to me in secret goes to the grave with me. I don't gossip, well not really, but I know how to keep my mouth shut about most things. However when it comes to me, and myself and what I am doing, well, I don't for some reason. Oh i can clam up and stay schtum when I am not in the mood. But it's not like I am airing my own personal dirty laundry, just, I talk about things. I try to anyways. In the past while I have been accused by my 100% bona fide ex that part of our split up reason is because I don't. Anyhoo.

This past week I had my heart broken all over again by my ex who led me to believe there was a hope or chance we could work things out and maybe try again. He then proceeded to pull the rug from under me all over again and make me cry, again. I am not looking for the sympathy vote here. First time round, yes, now? no. Most people had tried to warn me to be careful and try not to invest myself. But it's not easy when it's someone you are still in love with.

I have had a great weekend in spite of the emotional shit storm. I have been really busy and doing things I want to do and taking care of myself and socializing. The weather has been truly amazing and life is good. I think, I got a lot of my grieving done the first time round. It hurts and yes, I have had little outbursts and little head dramas. Aside from that though, it has made me think.

I think it's just the thoughts of having to get back on the horse, and go back into battle is the scariest, most daunting prospect ever. I miss him. I miss him SO much. We had so much in common, same values, similar politics, similar ethics, beliefs, wishes, hopes and dreams. We were almost perfect and it all horribly exploded. I couldn't believe I had such a good match for me. It was scary. And now it's gone and over and, well, I can't help but feel I am never going to find anyone like him again. Sigh. I know, so so cliched, but, I can't help it.

I am nowhere near ready for any of that right now, but the pity party is going on right now and the one and only guest/host is me. I am doing the whole self-deprecating " I am going to die alone" thing. It will pass, I know, everyone does it. I am going to continue to treat myself nicely and work on ME and being a better person. OMG I went to spinning for the first time ever on Tuesday night, but that can be a whole other blog. But I think I will be fine. I did what I had to do and though I feel like running away and shutting myself into a room for 4 weeks, I can't. My life has to go on and life around me will and is.

So, I am not going to end on a hugely upbeat note here. I can't muster up that much of a brave face. But I will say and pledge this. I do not want to know about men of any description for the rest of 2009. I have neither time nor money for them. I have other things in my life to prioritize right now. I am focusing first and foremost on ME ME ME ME ME. I am temporarily becoming a me feiner. :)