Wishin, and Hopin'

It's a holiday Sunday night and I am just home from watching a great feel good movie, Julie & Julia. It's a really good movie and a huge part of it is about blogging and it made me think, I haven't hit this in a little while and while I am always procrastinating, I need to be consistent, or this, like so many other aspects of my life will fall by the way side and slide into an abyss of many other things I have procrastinated about. :)

So I think anyone who knows me knows that anything told to me in secret goes to the grave with me. I don't gossip, well not really, but I know how to keep my mouth shut about most things. However when it comes to me, and myself and what I am doing, well, I don't for some reason. Oh i can clam up and stay schtum when I am not in the mood. But it's not like I am airing my own personal dirty laundry, just, I talk about things. I try to anyways. In the past while I have been accused by my 100% bona fide ex that part of our split up reason is because I don't. Anyhoo.

This past week I had my heart broken all over again by my ex who led me to believe there was a hope or chance we could work things out and maybe try again. He then proceeded to pull the rug from under me all over again and make me cry, again. I am not looking for the sympathy vote here. First time round, yes, now? no. Most people had tried to warn me to be careful and try not to invest myself. But it's not easy when it's someone you are still in love with.

I have had a great weekend in spite of the emotional shit storm. I have been really busy and doing things I want to do and taking care of myself and socializing. The weather has been truly amazing and life is good. I think, I got a lot of my grieving done the first time round. It hurts and yes, I have had little outbursts and little head dramas. Aside from that though, it has made me think.

I think it's just the thoughts of having to get back on the horse, and go back into battle is the scariest, most daunting prospect ever. I miss him. I miss him SO much. We had so much in common, same values, similar politics, similar ethics, beliefs, wishes, hopes and dreams. We were almost perfect and it all horribly exploded. I couldn't believe I had such a good match for me. It was scary. And now it's gone and over and, well, I can't help but feel I am never going to find anyone like him again. Sigh. I know, so so cliched, but, I can't help it.

I am nowhere near ready for any of that right now, but the pity party is going on right now and the one and only guest/host is me. I am doing the whole self-deprecating " I am going to die alone" thing. It will pass, I know, everyone does it. I am going to continue to treat myself nicely and work on ME and being a better person. OMG I went to spinning for the first time ever on Tuesday night, but that can be a whole other blog. But I think I will be fine. I did what I had to do and though I feel like running away and shutting myself into a room for 4 weeks, I can't. My life has to go on and life around me will and is.

So, I am not going to end on a hugely upbeat note here. I can't muster up that much of a brave face. But I will say and pledge this. I do not want to know about men of any description for the rest of 2009. I have neither time nor money for them. I have other things in my life to prioritize right now. I am focusing first and foremost on ME ME ME ME ME. I am temporarily becoming a me feiner. :)