It's Stephens Day

And I am sitting in pj's watching Meet Me in St. Louis and I have made the decision, I am so going home next year for Christmas. It's my third year away from home and that's enough. I find myself homesick for the first time in years. Why? I guess it's that time of year, but, also,being such a crappy year too, I personally cannot wait for 11:59 PM December 31st. Economy aside, it's been a tough year. There has been great joy too, my brother getting married, various births, having friends coming to stay, getting back in touch with other people, visit home and no less than TWO trips to London.

My break up consumed the latter half of the year and has been a huge heartache and learning process and I guess with my confidence at an all time low right now, the only way is up? I have slipped out of my gym routine, and have taken the friends visits as an excuse to eat my way into more oblivion. This horrible cycle has to and will stop. Ah the new year resolutions etc etc. Ha! I think I have been building up to this though.

So I am looking forward to 2010~! Bring it on I say, here's to ME!

Points to note

I have been told by an ortho not to do spinning for a while, until I lose more weight as it's putting too much pressire on my joints, which sucks!!! booooo. Ironic though, I have to lose weight before I can do a class that enables me to lose weight. Whatevs!

Oh and yes, I need to structure my blogs a little more, essay writing never was my strong point!

Sign o' the Times

Ok further to my last posting, I am doing good. Am not floating on air and running through fields of sunflowers or anything, but, am a helluva lot better than I was a month ago. I have made HUGE progress in myself and just feel all round better, about everything. OH the latent anger about my split is still simmering and will do for a long long time to come, but, whatever. A lot of hindsight into that relationship actually makes me feel a lot better about myself and I can pride myself in that I was honest, he wasn't. And a lot of instances, and situations and day to day things that I think about with him make me feel like I was nothing more to him than a social experiment. Again, with the honesty. I was, he wasn't, his loss and his problem.

It's coming up to Christmas and this is going to be my third here, and my third without my mother. It's weird. The only was I can describe it. I don't know, it was just her favorite holiday and she always got so excited about it. BUT I am looking forward already to Xmas '10. I am goig home to watch my two munchkinheads wake and go nuts!!! So, yeah, silly season is on its way and it's going to be my first ever alcohol free. Should be interesting.

So onto the real reason I was writing today. I saw a friends blog online about her struggle with motivation to go to the gym and tackle weight issues head on. The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking to myself, "preaching to the choir sista!". I have a substantial amount of weight to lose. To hit the higher end of an acceptable BMI for me, I need to lose at least another 88 pounds. I have lost 12 in 9 weeks. Slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I have been going to the gym religiously, maybe 3-5 times per week and I have to admit, i really really enjoy it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME! I enjoy the gym, I know.

Part of the reason is that the gym I go to has a completely separate weights area and even the weights area is split in two. The free weights and the machines. So I don't need to see the grunters, which is great. Unfortunately though I DO have to see all the stupid skinny dipshits who wear next to nothing to work out and sometimes even no sports bra and wearing FULL make-up. REALLY? It's at times like these that I veer either towards, "u dumb ass stupid girl, did Daddy not hug you enough as a child?" to " oh my gosh look at the state of me, I will never be like her. Jeeeez I bet every guy in here is looking at her and look at my red face and sweat and ugh my ass is huge and my belly is huge ugh". It truly varies.

So the following is an excerpt of a letter I have written to a friend of a friend of a friend who is blogging her Weight Watchers success and journey. She recently hit a wall and has so much self doubt about herself and her body and appearance. I wrote to her as she has lost approx. 50 pounds, and she looks AMAZING!!!! Truly inspirational! WOWZERS! I can so relate to her so I had to write to her:

"I was in Ireland recently and pulled out some old photos of myself and bawled my eyes out. If only I could see back then what I do now. I wasn't HUGE or an ELEPHANT or a BLOB as I always thought. I was about right for my height and build. Because of my head space I got it stupidly into my head that "well if doesn't matter now what I eat, no one will look at me anyhow". Honestly I could punch myself for doing that. For having such little self esteem"

So there we have it. I can't even imagine myself being thinner than I am now. I try, but, I fail. Two years ago I lost 36 pounds and felt fuckin amazing and looked it too. Then my world fell apart and to be honest, it has never been the same. So that 36 pounds plus approx another 15 went back on. So YAAAAY fun for vicious circles.

I don't want to hear the Christina Aguilera song or anything like it. I'll puke. But, it IS a head thing. Mind over matter. I had an absolute HOT piece of ass flirt with me the other night in the gym and though he does with EVERYONE, well, it has boosted my confidence. I WANT to exercise more and eat healthier. I can actually start to feel my clothes feel looser. Can't be bad right?

Hearing the other day how good my hair looks and from another person how good I look? well, all help. I need to build my confidence back up. It took me so long to have it previously and, there's a huge element of fear. Fear. Fear is a bitch. Godamnit to hell. But fear is much better than never taking the chance at all..............Living in NY is tough. Living in NY in 2010 is awful by times. Ralph Lauren really pissed me off a few weeks back with that AWFUL article about firing a model because they couldn't count all of her ribs? She wasn't skinny enough? Hs inspired me never to buy Ralph Lauren again. Ever. Shame on them. Shame on the people who look so judgementally at me on the street or subway or bus. Do they think I WANT to be overweight and unhealthy? Of course the whole element of "if you REALLY want it, u can make it happen" comes into it. But the circle I have been stuck in is the following:

I lose some weight and have a great few days, hit the gym and feel fucking PUKKA!

I then have a bad bad day, hit the Ben & Jerrys or other chocolate heavenly things and spend the next few days in the mind set of, well, hung for a sheep as a lamb.

As I have said, SLOWLY but I am getting there. And when I do, people better be prepared to be WOWED!

BTW I implore you to look up Filippa Hamilton who is 5'10 and weighs 120 pounds???? Is this what our society has turned into? A competitive field where it's survival of the skinniest? The above is the model in question and at the center of the furore!

Oh and another thing, on my way TO and FROM the gym I walk past a Crumbs store. You heard me, CRUMBS! And I walk past! :)

Baby steps...........

Yikes.....I have some explaining to do

OK for all five of you who ever read this or look at it, my last post was a little despairing for want of a better word, but, this is what this is for. Being able to write openly and honestly, no? That was exactly the way I felt at the time I wrote that and I am very happy to say that since then, I am feeling a bit better. Honestly though, i have been feeling down in the dumps and no matter how hard I try to "pick myself up and move on and put on a brave face", I am tired of it. I have done it long enough. While I am not allowing myself to sit and wallow, (who has time for that anyway these days?) I am accepting that this is not going away and dealing.

To clarify, my therapist referred me to a shrink as the funk I'm in ain't going nowhere right now. So she has diagnosed me with having a mild depression and the good ol insomnia that goes along with it. She also has interestingly diagnosed me with having ADHD, but, she is going to do more investigation into that once my depression is under control. As she said, "we'll tackle one thing at a time".

The Irish attitude towards depression usually goes as follows:
" ah sure, u'll be grand, not a bother on ya"
or something like
"a good night out and get a few drinks into ya"

So I is ok, not great, but hopefully getting there. I might sound a tad dramatic but, this is what is going on right now. It's not a huge deal, millions of people have and go through depression once, if not a few times in their lives. Mine has been building for a while and a mix of weight issues, financial worries, despising my job and working in a poisonous atmosphere, splitting with the possible love of my life, a parental death, missing other people who have passed, hearing nothing but bad news on the media, and on and on.

Now, I have fallen into the trap of thinking, gosh compared with others, I have NOTHING to worry about. And I know I don't but I can't get past this either. AH it's really hard to explain. As my therapist told me, I need to stop boo hooing whenever I get hurt, or feel bad, it's a real emotion and I have never really learned to deal with it properly. And no, Daddy didn't hug me enough as a child hahahaha. But, I am allowing myself to go through this for once, and taking this on, and dealing.

It's a real thing. It's not a good thing, but it's real. And it's happening to me for now. Hopefully not for long, I am not allowed drink and silly season is on it's way.........

PS. For the record, I am not sitting in my room wailing and crying and listening to Air Supply, that only happens on Sundays hahahahahahha (<----- me own best audience I know)

PPS. U guys rock! thank u for listening and asking and giving a shit! xoxoxo

I Don't know

If I am going to continue with this or not. Am in such a strange place in my life and while I am not scared as such, am so confused, in a funk and fed up for want of a better expression. I am screaming and no one can hear me, that is the best description I can come up with.

crossroads and updates

Ok so here's what's been going down since I last scribbled on here. I got the obligatory break-up haircut and I have to admit, I love it! :) Good stuff.

I am persisting with the spinning to my own amazement. YES you sweat like, well like so many rude sayings, but goddammit it, it works. So far so good. So I spent most of this afternoon chatting to my BFFFFFF and we have come up with a plan. He has 7 pounds to lose, I, well, I have a little more than that, but let's not go there. So we have hatched the makings of a plan. We are going to set little goals for ourselves. Exercise wise I mean. I pledge to hit the gym at LEAST 3 times a week, if not my grandiose notions of four times. My plan is Monday night, swimming. Tuesday night, spinning. Thursday and Saturday my cardio and weights. We shall see.

Part of this plan is to keep an HONEST account of the shit we consume every week. By shit we mean chocolate, fried crap, excessive cheeses etc etc etc. So this might actually shame us into stopping consuming so much of it. We are going to have a weekly Skype conference call to make it all official. So our reward for all of this? Well, we're not sure yet as we live in different countries BUT there is a huge possibility he's going to be here in April! Woo hoo! So we will come up with something for then.

I miss him so much. We never have cross words, he's honest to a fault with me, he laughs at me if I get too emotional, he grounds me and yet can make me soar in two seconds! We ALWAYS have a BLAST together, we have a similar sense of humor, we can both be complete drama queens yet at the same time despise drama, I confide everything in him, and I mean everything. There is nothing he doesn't know about me and yet he still loves me for ME and reciprocates everything I give to him. I have to see him whenever I go home, he's numero uno priority after my family, heck, he is my family.

This is HUGELY motivational for me. I have been feeling MUCH better this past week. Making life decisions ain't easy but heck, happiness is worth so so so much more than any material goods. My lil plan is coming together nicely. I cannot really say too much about it right now, but, rest assured this time next year I am going to be somewhere entirely different to where I am now. That may include geographically, who knows where I'll end up.

Things are on the up and up. I can feel it. Life is good. Love is all around!

Spinning

Ok who in the name of all that is good and green would ever for a second consider spinning to be in any shape or form enjoyable? Seriously. I am all too well aware of how out of shape I am and in an effort to lose weight and tone up, someone recommended this to me. Someone I no longer converse with as a result. I digress.

My first class was complete and utter torture. I think I lifted off the saddle twice and even at that, I thought I was going to pass out. I kept forgetting you can't coast with spinning, and almost snotted myself several times. Had I not drank any water, I reckon I would have lost 8 pounds in one shot, no bother.

I went back for more last night though. I found it a teeny eeeny weeeny beeeny bit easier. I got off the saddle a little more, but jesus, who considers this fun?
Really? I am an advocate of each to their own and different strokes for different folks etc etc but this could be used in Guantanamo in lieu of the waterboarding.

BUT, I'll be there again next Tuesday :)

Wishin, and Hopin'

It's a holiday Sunday night and I am just home from watching a great feel good movie, Julie & Julia. It's a really good movie and a huge part of it is about blogging and it made me think, I haven't hit this in a little while and while I am always procrastinating, I need to be consistent, or this, like so many other aspects of my life will fall by the way side and slide into an abyss of many other things I have procrastinated about. :)

So I think anyone who knows me knows that anything told to me in secret goes to the grave with me. I don't gossip, well not really, but I know how to keep my mouth shut about most things. However when it comes to me, and myself and what I am doing, well, I don't for some reason. Oh i can clam up and stay schtum when I am not in the mood. But it's not like I am airing my own personal dirty laundry, just, I talk about things. I try to anyways. In the past while I have been accused by my 100% bona fide ex that part of our split up reason is because I don't. Anyhoo.

This past week I had my heart broken all over again by my ex who led me to believe there was a hope or chance we could work things out and maybe try again. He then proceeded to pull the rug from under me all over again and make me cry, again. I am not looking for the sympathy vote here. First time round, yes, now? no. Most people had tried to warn me to be careful and try not to invest myself. But it's not easy when it's someone you are still in love with.

I have had a great weekend in spite of the emotional shit storm. I have been really busy and doing things I want to do and taking care of myself and socializing. The weather has been truly amazing and life is good. I think, I got a lot of my grieving done the first time round. It hurts and yes, I have had little outbursts and little head dramas. Aside from that though, it has made me think.

I think it's just the thoughts of having to get back on the horse, and go back into battle is the scariest, most daunting prospect ever. I miss him. I miss him SO much. We had so much in common, same values, similar politics, similar ethics, beliefs, wishes, hopes and dreams. We were almost perfect and it all horribly exploded. I couldn't believe I had such a good match for me. It was scary. And now it's gone and over and, well, I can't help but feel I am never going to find anyone like him again. Sigh. I know, so so cliched, but, I can't help it.

I am nowhere near ready for any of that right now, but the pity party is going on right now and the one and only guest/host is me. I am doing the whole self-deprecating " I am going to die alone" thing. It will pass, I know, everyone does it. I am going to continue to treat myself nicely and work on ME and being a better person. OMG I went to spinning for the first time ever on Tuesday night, but that can be a whole other blog. But I think I will be fine. I did what I had to do and though I feel like running away and shutting myself into a room for 4 weeks, I can't. My life has to go on and life around me will and is.

So, I am not going to end on a hugely upbeat note here. I can't muster up that much of a brave face. But I will say and pledge this. I do not want to know about men of any description for the rest of 2009. I have neither time nor money for them. I have other things in my life to prioritize right now. I am focusing first and foremost on ME ME ME ME ME. I am temporarily becoming a me feiner. :)

What is that all about?

I have lived in NYC for nigh on five years this January coming. To those Americans reading this, four and a half years ( no offence but ye never get the way we put our weeks, months and years). Anyways.

I just got back from a trip home to the sunny Irish shores. Ok, ok, not sunny. Far from it in fact. Baltic. I digress again. Ok so for the past 5 years I have hopped the pond a grand total of..........12 times. I know, a HUGE carbon footprint, but most of the trips were to be with my mother who passed away October two years ago (again, for the Americans, October 2007). She had a long and arduous battle with cancer.

All this pond hopping has resulted in two things. Me not taking vacations anywhere other than Ireland. Also a nice little ammount of airmiles have been accumulated in these five years. With the exception of flying Aer Fungus a few times, Continental are going to reward me with a free flight. FUN. So back to my original reasoning for writing this.

Throughout my times flying back and forth, it never ceases to amaze me that upon leaving Dublin airport and heading for the N3, it's like I never left home. Seriously, I have very distant memories of NY. Weird huh? The same works when I get back to NYC too. it's like I was never in Ireland. Is it that I have become so accustomed to both that my mind calssifies both as a home from home? Or does it work the other way? It's almost like my mind telling me that I have no fixed abode? Though I class NY as my home? I like to think it's the former, though I have zero inclination to move back to Ireland anytime soon.

This trip, this time was different though. I got back to NYC and after just over 2 weeks, it has taken me slightly longer to fall back into the swing of things. I think in part this is due to the way I want to shake things up, get out of my comfort zone, do and try new things. Move on with my life basically. Having lost two very important people in less than two years takes its toll. But no more. Onwards and upwards. Up UP UP!!!!!!!!!!

My happiness experiment

So I am taking notes this week of 5 things each day that make me happy. Anything from the weather to winning the lottery. Just 5 things to remind me that no matter how shit things are, there are ALWAYS positives around and joy to be had.

Monday July 20th

1. No rain, sunshine.......no clouds

2. My friend reminded me of that LOVELY little ad, Daddy or Chips, it was a McCains ad from a few years ago, so so cute.

3. I wrote a no-holds-barred email to a friend about a bunch of guys we know. I was livid and let rip. Reading back on what I wrote made me laugh and happy.

4. My BFFFFF told me she's coming out in November for almost a whole week and staying with me.

5. I spoke to my Dad who told me that my niece and nephew are just adorable and, while my little 17 month old niece might be a madam, neither of them are spoiled or bold. This made me very happy :)

Tuesday July 21st

1. I got a ride from the train station. I had walked a bit, but it was raining, so this was a mini bonus!

2. I received an email from someone I really never expected to.

3. I daydreamed about travelling and all the countries I want to go to and I wikipedia-d a lot of them.

4. Being relentlessly flirted with by the guy who works upstairs. I have ZERO interest, but, it's fun and a huge ego boost.

5. Got home and no one else was there for a precious few hours. Bliss!

Wednesday July 22nd
1. Another warm sunny day. Yaaaay!

2. I watched the funniest you tube video evar. Bunch of religious freakazoids singing no less about how everyone on the planet is going to hell. Funny as heck.

3. Cheese, I had some kick ass cheese today! OM nom nom nom

4. Watched So You Think You Can Dance and watched a beautifully touching dance

5. I got a ride to the train station.

Thursday July 23rd
1. Had a nice power walk to the office.

2. Finished Twilight, sigh, so, so, so romantic.

3. Chatted with a very good mate online for a wee while.

4. Got complimented on my writing, on a particular piece.

5. It rained all evening and I had nothing to do, it was nice to sit in and listen to it.

Friday July 24th
1. Got a seat all to myself on the train.

2. Did very little at work all day BUT did manage to get a party organized for my Dad for when I get home.

3. 5 PM

4. Got all my laundry done, clean sheets and towels and PJ's. YUMMY

5. KICK ASS lightning storm. Was amazing.

Saturday July 25th
1. Dropped 2 pounds this week.

2. Did a shit tone of shopping and got a ton of stuff for next to nothing. SORTED for home.

3. Quick bus ride back into the city.

4. Harry Potter and dinner.........cool.

5. No one was in when I got home.

Sunday July 26th
1. Lay in bed just thinking and lazing for an hour.

2. Got up and then got BACK into bed. Sigh.

3. Seriously, though, finally got up properly, around 2.30 and went into Manhattan.

4. Watched a KICK ass thunderstorm while eating dinner outside and though kept having to move back in under the awnings, it was amazing.

5. Reminisced on You Tube with songs and bands from back in my day, An Emotional Fish, Sultans of Ping F.C, the Devlins, A House, Whipping Boy, Power of Dreams etc etc etc.

So, I guess the point of this was to prove to myself that even though times and tough and things are hard, there is a lot of good stuff still around and little things can make you happy. I could have picked 10 for each day, truth be known. of course a lot of negatives too. But the good is there, it exists. You may just have to look that little bit harder for it.......................

On the money!!!!!

I am not a John Mayer fan. Personally I think the guy is a wannabe hipster douchenugget. But godammit he can write. I am talking about a song on his album Continuum, "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room". This song just about sums me up right now. All that has happened in my relationship in the past couple of months. All in that song. I can't even listen to it right now. It's still too raw and too sore and too fresh. But fuck, I identify so much with it. Every word.

I have always been a big lyrics girl. There are so many songs for so many emotions, moods, days........I love them. I am not ashamed to say even artists such as Rihanna ( who does not put paper to pen) or Pink, have a poignancy and trueness to them I find amazing. You got fired? song for it. You broke up with someone you are still in love with? THOUSANDS upon millions. You are in the beginning stages of falling in love, again, millions. You have crashed your car? or spilled jam on your white top? There is absolutely a song for that, somewhere.

I don't have the amazing ability so many people have of being able to listen to a song once and know every lyric, every oooh and aaaah in the song. But lyrics touch me and I pay attention. I could care less if it's the Tellytubbies, if I can identify, relate or am touched in some way? Kudos.

Last week I found myself cleaning my apartment with Rage Against the Machine whacked all the way up and hey! guess what? Zac and the boys are more relevant today than they were in 1992. Maybe we should all start to rage against the machine instead of being so fucking complacent about everything? I am just using that as an example. I am going to keep my politics, or lack thereof, out of this blog. Maybe that is a poor example, but it's one that I thought of and hell, who cares. It's the power of the lyrics.

I wish I could write, I admire and adore people who can. People who can touch my life and make me cry, make me smile, make me laugh, make me think, make me angry, make me want to live better.
I leave you with a BEAUTIFUL lyric from the ever hot Josh Homme........one of my favorites ever:
"But I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live".............
HOPE!

Happy New Year

Today is my birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. It is also MY New Years Day. Changes are being made and quite successfully thus far. During last weekend I tackled an issue in an honest way, and was pleasantly surprised by the outcome. So, in truth, seemingly, honesty IS the best policy. Or is it? I guess going forward into my new year, I'll find out.

After taking this weekend to myself, walking the city I am in and being alone and having a lot of MY alone time, I have had a lot of time to think. And make decisions. And these are going to be decisions for the better. I was supposed to be spending my weekend in Arizona, but instead of that, I find myself in a city I have never been to before, exploring both it, and myself.

In the past two years, I have lost two people that I truly love. I cannot continue to wallow in that pain any longer. My mother will always be with me. Always. I miss her beyond words. Especially on days like today. Where I would have received some card from her with something "witty" written inside, instead I am thinking of her so much over the past 3 weeks. I miss her for advice and her opinions. Is this how it's always going to be? Whenever my life feels like it's caving, is it always going to drag up my feelings and I am going to turn into a 4 year old who wants to curl up on her knee sucking my thumb? Well, I guess I feel like that for 5 minutes or so. BUT it's just not really all that easy.

I was always the one in our family to question everything, to rebel, to say NO and be independent. I guess what I struggle with is watching someone else have their lives run for them, and feel totally helpless to say anything about it.It sucks.

So I have a bus to catch soon. Ugh, traffic will be a NIGHTMARE in NY because Pride is on today. If i didn't have so much stuff to carry, I would have taken a walk through the village for the craic. But, home. HUGE day tomorrow at work, huge and long, very very long.

RIIIIIP!

Plasters cover a multitude of wounds and, while they can have built-in healing abilities, and for the most part are amazing, they have to come off eventually. So what do you do? Do you start peeling it slowly, agonizingly painfully and bit by bit. Hoping it will feel better and by doing it slowly, pain can be avoided?

If you have the cojones, u do it quickly. It's building up the nerve. Faster might not necessarily be better sometimes, but, generally it is.

Either way, it has to come off and expose what's underneath. Either method is not fun. But it's a necessity.

Once off, the wound can still be very painful, but, you know it's going to heal.

Expression

Constantly I am told and read and hear that we should be honest and open about our feelings. For the most part I am in agreement. Lately, however, a number of events have happened and I just feel that being honest and open with my feelings, is making people think I am a moaning, complaining pain in the arse. This is how I honestly feel today.


For the past couple of months there has been nothing but drama in my life and most of it completely and utterly uninvited. Who wants it? Seriously? All it does is invoke a horrible level of stress and causes many sleepless nights. Other side effects include worry, guilt, over-analyses, waste of time and energy, arguements with other people and, well, general crankiness .


Let me go back a bit here and give you some background and a little introduction. I moved to NY from Ireland four years ago. I LOVE New York. So clichèd, but I truly truly do. Yes I have hate moments too, like missing a train, or being pushed or shoved by rude people, but for the most part, I LOVE it. Right now in my life, I cannot imagine living anywhere else, and that is not going to change anytime soon. well, to my knowledge right now it's not.


Living in Dublin I had many friends. I worked in a very social atmosphere and found it very easy to meet people and I tend to click with most people I meet. At the risk of sounding like I am blowing my own trumpet, but I am pretty personable and I make an effort when meeting new people. My years in Dublin were spent flitting easily between different friends, and different groups of friends. Let me break these down into categories:

• confidants - the ones who I was tight with, I could confide in, rely on and go to whenever I needed them, and this was 100% reciprocated. We had sleep overs, were drinking buddies, dinner buddies, shopping buddies, movie buddies and everything in between and more. The number of these that I had was few, but it was instant attraction and fell into place! All good.
• Co-workers - these were mainly the social crowd. Absolute bananas most of the time. Great craic and a lot of drinking, partying and general mayhem. At work whole other story, but GOOD TIMES! One or two are in the confidant catergory.
• School friends - elementary and high school and uni friends have followed me I am very happy to say. Some of these spill into the confidant category. Others I bump into here and there and now and again. There are a few from this era I could care less if I never saw again, but I think everyone has a few of those in their closets.

I miss those days. Where I had a ton of friends, none of whom ever got offended if they didn't hear from me for days. never took it personally if I had to cancel a dinner or a pint. Why can't it be like that NOW?

I could write all day on this and sub categorise them all, but, I have realised writing this, my friends are quite incestuous and a lot of them have met and intermingled over the years. Most of them get on, there are a few who don't and while this makes me quite sad, I can't control it and I stay out of it. THOSE FIVE WORDS..........

I STAY OUT OF IT.

I love a juicy piece of gossip here and there. Who doesn't? Everyone loves it now and then. It makes life interesting and can be quite funny sometimes. Other times, it can be nasty and vindictive. There is a line, and time and again people cross it. I have noticed a few people over the years, and even now who cannot help themselves and absolutely thrive on it. I like it when it's fun, or someone made a drunken jackass out of themselves or someone was caught out doing something they shouldn't, basically harmless stuff. I DO prefer it to be true too. All too often, it's chinese whispers and a load of cock and the person or people telling it have either half the story, are doing it out of vindictiveness, or as is often the case, because they have fuck all else to do. Seriously, get a fucking life.

I digress slightly here, and I realise this is kinda a roundabout way to going back to what I had started to say, about feelings, but bear with me. You need this background info. Ok, flip to today. The present, the now. I have a lot of loving, good people in my life, apart from my family, one of the most important people in my life is my boyfriend. Yes, it happened, girl met a boy and fell in love with boy. Girl tries to spend as much time with boy as possible. Which, sometimes in one week can be a lot, and in others very little. Average maybe one or two nights a week. Girl smitten with boy, still tries her best to spend time with friends, go to gym, have alone down time. Some of girls friends get annoyed with girl.

One friend takes it upon herself to lecture, at length, about how people lose friends and how important it is to have the balance. So I listened, tried to defend myself and was told to stop being so defensive? (How does THAT work?) I got quite upset and thought it to death. Seriously. It's a thing I have, over-analyses. So I made plans with same friend for that Saturday. Boy did his own thing, I had plans with my friend. So friend never calls, shows up, returns calls or even texts. Passive aggresive? Hells yea, but in a way was my fault for letting it get to me. Harsh lesson that at the end of the day, everyone suits themselves and I should too. To hell with those who roll with double standards and are bored and have issues of their own, but chose to lash out at others.

One example of the drama. There is a much more serious one that I am hesitant to post. But i made a decision last night, having talked it over with my super awesome boyfriend, that I am done. I seem to have this innate need to try to please people and I take stupid things far too personally. Hindsight is 20 20, and I seem to learn things the hard way, but I am learning as I go, and little by very little getting better as I go.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful guy in my life, wonderful, genuine friends and a great, loving family, whom I miss every day. I have a roof over my head, am able to pay bills and have a lil left over each week. I have my health, which I am working on right now. All in all, I have it pretty damn good and I need to check that and remember it. §