Happy New Year

Today is my birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. It is also MY New Years Day. Changes are being made and quite successfully thus far. During last weekend I tackled an issue in an honest way, and was pleasantly surprised by the outcome. So, in truth, seemingly, honesty IS the best policy. Or is it? I guess going forward into my new year, I'll find out.

After taking this weekend to myself, walking the city I am in and being alone and having a lot of MY alone time, I have had a lot of time to think. And make decisions. And these are going to be decisions for the better. I was supposed to be spending my weekend in Arizona, but instead of that, I find myself in a city I have never been to before, exploring both it, and myself.

In the past two years, I have lost two people that I truly love. I cannot continue to wallow in that pain any longer. My mother will always be with me. Always. I miss her beyond words. Especially on days like today. Where I would have received some card from her with something "witty" written inside, instead I am thinking of her so much over the past 3 weeks. I miss her for advice and her opinions. Is this how it's always going to be? Whenever my life feels like it's caving, is it always going to drag up my feelings and I am going to turn into a 4 year old who wants to curl up on her knee sucking my thumb? Well, I guess I feel like that for 5 minutes or so. BUT it's just not really all that easy.

I was always the one in our family to question everything, to rebel, to say NO and be independent. I guess what I struggle with is watching someone else have their lives run for them, and feel totally helpless to say anything about it.It sucks.

So I have a bus to catch soon. Ugh, traffic will be a NIGHTMARE in NY because Pride is on today. If i didn't have so much stuff to carry, I would have taken a walk through the village for the craic. But, home. HUGE day tomorrow at work, huge and long, very very long.